Night Light

"I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me--that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns." 
— Anne Lamott (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith)


Sometimes it's ok to wait for the light to turn back on. Faith is knowing it will turn on... eventually.


I'm not looking for a chandelier to light up - I just want a clever little night light to turn on. Nothing fancy - simple, fun and bright.

Me vs You vs Me

"Never compare your insides to everyone else's outsides." 
— Anne Lamott

I wrote about perfectionism earlier, and I realize that the perfectionism phenomenon seems to be a direct result of comparisons. We compare ourselves to others without knowing anything of depth about their lives. We want their car, their boyfriend, their dog, their jeans, their salary. And suddenly it's the me vs you vs me debacle.

Me vs You : you are competing with a total stranger - determining who's life is more idyllic, more trendy, more exciting.

You vs Me : you assume that if given the chance the other person would look at your life and determine that they get to check the "super sick-nasty cool life" box and you don't.

What I've realized : you miss out on how phenomenal your life is by focusing on how fantastic you think someone else's might be.

We could be so happy and thankful for our lives if there weren't other humans walking around with their cool selves and their cool stuff out in plain view.

I'm going to work on looking, admiring and moving on. Maybe we all would benefit from such an approach.

Difficult and Knowing It

The constant battle in my mind between being thankful that I am content with my life and being terrified at the basic idea of contentment rages on.

I had settled in nicely for a stretch of time. I had accepted so many things about my new life that in theory weren't at all what I was looking for. 

But for the past week I find myself wrestling with the idea that what defines me and what makes me who I am is slipping away little by little. The passionate, enthusiastic, engaging parts of me - slipping away as I ease my way into settled suburban existence.

I tried to explain this last night to someone who puts up with me on a regular basis. I said "I used to be the inspired and irrational girl who moves to Africa - now I'm someone who goes to an office 8-5 and rushes home to feed their dog."

I don't know if I'm being overly analytic of my "could have been" and now "is" life, or if I'm turning a microscope on my already introspective nature and feeding the unhealthy part of me that is always looking forward and never enjoying the present...

"Expectations are resentments under construction." My life has been one long string of high expectations - is that why I'm feeling so resentful?

I find myself exhausting. I read this post over - and although it is genuinely how I feel - I sound like a spoiled existentialist who is wasting a beautiful life by wishing for something else. Eff that noise. I'm taking yet another lesson from Anne:


‎"...most of the time, all you have is the moment, and the imperfect love of the people around you."


And that is absolutely more than enough.

Funny Little Things

Every so often I stumble upon something that someone else scribbled for me, or I scribbled myself, and I think "we may be more loved and wonderful than we realize." It's like these little reminders of how thoughtful people can be, how much you love the strange little things they do, or how much you actually like yourself.

Today I looked up and realized that I have a little pink post-it hanging from my computer monitor at work. It has been there for months now - just long enough to start to be overlooked and ignored.

The post-it is a cartooned out reference to the Marcel the Shell viral youtube video. My little sister drew it and left it on my desk one day when she was visiting me at work. To be honest, I didn't even notice her doodling while we were talking. And when she left I had this little remnant of our shared sense of humor to stick to my work station.

Just a little note, probably meant to be thrown away, that makes me think of her and how much alike we are now, how much I love her, and how nice it is to have a sister.

If we are distracted enough we miss the funny little things that remind us we are loved and that we should love ourselves a little more.

Bored with Perfection

"Perfection is shallow, unreal, and fatally uninteresting." 
— Anne Lamott

Yet again, Anne nails it.

I have spent an impressive chunk of my life pursuing some form of perfection. I started off trying to be the perfect daughter, then sister, then friend, then student, then socialite, then employee, then serious girlfriend.

Maybe you figured this out sooner than I did - but it's freaking hard. Scratch that - it's freakin' impossible.

Perfection always felt like the goal, but now it seems as unattainable as waking up with hair I can wear to work as-is. And you know what? The more I realize how boring perfection really is - the more I'm alright with accepting I will never be just that. I will never be boring. I will never be perfect.

World love

In my line of work I get to spend all day talking about countries around the world and how students can spend summers or semesters exploring them. People ask me on occasion, "Doesn't your job make you hate your life a little? Helping students go on these incredible journeys while you sit in your office?" My first thought in response is "Eff you guy - my job is amazing. Scratch that, my life is amazing. I don't know, how's your job going? Oh wait you don't have one? That's too bad..." but my secondary response eeps out "Yah, sometimes, a little..."

But the truth is - my job gives me an opportunity to make my international experiences matter to someone else. When someone is getting ready to head to Florence for the semester and is trying to decide if Rome should be one of their stops, I can tell them about the Colosseum, the flower markets in the Campo De Fiori and the street performers who play their flutes at a frantic and unimaginable pace.

I get to tell them about the beauty of clothing hanging out windows, and the old world feeling you get as you pass beneath the belongings of strangers, put out for anyone to view.

And then every so often...with the right student... I get to talk about Africa. I get to talk about all the reasons that experiencing cold showers, unidentifiable food, and over-packed public transportation was the highlight of my life so far. 

I do miss being abroad. But if I can't go right now... I'll relish the opportunities to help others venture out.

Holy engaged

Is everyone and their Mom getting engaged this Spring? Seriously. I turn around and there's another one - all ring wearing and smiley.

They're everywhere.

I'm not commenting on this because I'm at the point in my life where I envy it. I'm at the point in my life where it kind of freaks me out. Am I supposed to be headed in that direction? These people are my peers, some of them younger than me.

To each their own, every relationship is different, love runs on its own clock - yah yah yah. I want a rubric.

What  is the appropriate time for what? What is the time frame. I need a "last call" date please. If I want that I have until "fill in the blank" to attain or complete it. I work on deadlines people - this ambiguous life changes thing freaks me out.

Ya feel me?